Oscars oscars oscars oscars!

My blood bleeds Oscar gold. If you know me at all, you know this. I’ve been watching the awards religiously every year since I was a child. Back then I would watch mostly to see my favorite Disney songs come to life and to root for the movies that I was actually allowed to watch. Like Babe. I was seriously all about Babe. I was eight years old and practically ran an Oscar campaign for that film out of my bedroom.

This year is kind of a banner year for me, because not only have I watched each and every Best Picture nominee, I have seen many of them several times. So this year, more than any other year, I have a lot of opinions.

Unlike last year, where all of the nominees were thematically incestuous (seriously, they were all about this movies-art-movies-history of movies thing- except for The Descendants, which was totally robbed, or Extremely Loud and War Horse- who shouldn’t have even been invited), this year, the nominees are all very different films. To me, this makes the race more exciting and also a lot less predictable.

Anything could happen tonight. Spielberg’s Lincoln could win everything. An 86 year old woman who no one has ever heard of could beat Katniss Everdeen. Spielberg’s Lincoln could win nothing. Ben Affleck could be the recipient of the Best Director Oscar, via a massive write-in campaign. Daniel Day Lewis could give his Oscar to Joaquin Phoenix. Tommy Lee Jones might actually show up. Anything can happen!

Nonetheless, I’m going to go out on a limb and add my predictions to the pile of predictions that are cluttering your newsfeed right now.

Supporting Actress:
Will Win- Anne Hathaway.
For Your Consideration- Amy Adams.

This one is a lock for Hathaway. You’ve heard all about it already. She cut her hair on camera. She ate oatmeal paste for three years and shaved some of the bones off of her body so she could play a five pound prostitute. And her performance was breathtaking and perfect and she took a song that all of us have heard five billion times and made it an emotional revelation and, god damn it, she really deserves this.

But, man. Everybody really loves Amy Adams because she is a real life Disney princess and she was smoking hot in The Fighter and she did a killer dance sequence alongside Miss Piggy in The Muppets. In The Master she went completely against type as the strong-willed and domineering and completely terrifying wife of Phillip Seymore Hoffman’s cult leader. That scene where she jerks him off into the sink and reminds him that she is the fucking boss of him- that’s the kind of stuff that you don’t forget. Ever.

Supporting Actor:
Will Win- Robert De Niro.
For Your Consideration- Christophe Waltz.

This is Robert De Niro’s year. Harvey Weinstein wants everyone to know that. The man is basically a National Treasure and he can get away with making movies like Little Fockers while managing to stay one of the most respected actors in the industry.  In Silver Linings, De Niro kind of stopped fucking around and reminded us all that he is damn good at what he does. He’s funny and scary and absolutely heartbreaking as a father who is trying to live with his son’s mental illness, all the while suffering from his own. Also, it has been thirty years since he was given an Oscar and if you didn’t know that already, I guarantee that you will know that by the end of tonight’s telecast.

This is probably the hardest category to predict of the night, because any of these five men could win and it wouldn’t be shocking and it wouldn’t be undeserved. Alan Arkin brought a sense of humor to Argo’s serious subject matter that helped elevate that movie over every other movie this year. Phillip Seymore Hoffman was spellbinding in The Master. Tommy Lee Jones managed to pull focus away from Daniel Day Lewis in Lincoln. But, for me, I would just love it if the Academy gave Django Unchained some more recognition. Leo and Sam Jackson and Jamie Foxx were all deserving of nominations and the film really is Tarantino’s best. Waltz is the greatest thing in it, of course. And I hope that he keeps making movies with QT and wins the Oscar for them every single time, as ridiculous as that sounds, because he is just perfect.

Actress:
Will Win- Jennifer Lawrence
For Your Consideration- Jessica Chastain

Is it possible to not root for J-Law? She was an X-Woman, she won The Hunger Games, she’s been nominated for two Oscars already, she could probably drink you under the table, she’s insanely funny and self-deprecating in interviews, and she quoted the First Wives Club in her acceptance speech at the Golden Globes. I’m in love with her and so is everyone else. She was also the best part of a movie that included Robert De Niro and a career-defining performance by Bradley Cooper. If she wins tonight, it’s pretty safe to say that it won’t be her last time doing so. She has an incredible career in front of her and I can’t wait to see where it takes her.

And then there is Jessica Chastain. It’s a damn shame that Zero Dark Thirty has been caught up in all of this torture controversy, because it’s a phenomenal film that deserves a lot more recognition. Lawrence might have been the best part of Silver Linings Playbook, but Jessica Chastain was seriously the emotional anchor of her entire film. She delivered a fierce, all-encompassing performance that made me wish she could be in every single movie ever made. I was so transfixed by Chastain, that I didn’t even realize that James Gandolfini was in the movie until yesterday. And I watched it twice.

Actor:
Will Win- Daniel Day Lewis
For Your Consideration- there is no one else.

There is no other person nominated for this award that deserves it more than Daniel Day Lewis. Bradley Cooper picked the wrong year to turn serious. Hugh Jackman picked the wrong year to join the Vocal Olympics. Joaquin Phoenix is probably the closest thing to competition in the whole bunch because he gave a really unforgettable performance in The Master, all raggedy posture and all. But Daniel Day Lewis brought Abraham Lincoln back to life. He stepped into the shoes of the single greatest figure in all of American History and he owned them.

Most of us see Abraham Lincoln’s face every day, somewhere. I’ve been obsessed with the man since I was in the fourth grade. But he’s always kind of seemed so far away, more like a deity in Heaven than an actual man who actually lived. Daniel Day Lewis brought out the human part of Lincoln. So much so, that I spent half of the film dreading the assassination scene and then I sobbed when it actually happened because I did not want this man to die. That’s all Daniel Day Lewis and his commitment to his craft and his bold choices and his incredible range. No one can even come close to touching that in the industry today. He is the best of the best.

Director:
Will Win- Spielberg, Lincoln.
For Your Consideration- Lee, Life of Pi.

It’s a shame that this race is more notable for the names that were left off of the list this year than the names included on it. I’m going to eliminate Michael Haneke and Behn Zeitlin right now because they should not have been included to begin with. Bigelow, Tarantino, and Affleck all deserve spots here, but they didn’t get them. And part of me is hoping for some massive coup d'état tonight where Ben Affleck wins a secret write in ballot campaign and makes history as the first man awarded an Oscar that he wasn’t actually nominated for.

But the odds of that happening are zero percent, so I’m going to say that Spielberg wins this one. It’s been fifteen years since he won for Saving Private Ryan and this is the best movie that he’s made since then. He’s kind of due to win one because he’s Steven fucking Spielberg and also he hasn’t won anything this year yet because Affleck has won everything.

However, my vote goes to Ang Lee. Lincoln was bolstered by a great script and great performances from a group of legendary actors about the most interesting figure and time period in American history.  Ang Lee had a boy in a boat with a CGI tiger and he managed to make it a beautiful meditation on spirituality and nature. The special effects really paled in comparison to the philosophical undercurrents of the story itself and that is a director’s masterpiece.

Best Picture:
Will Win- Argo
For Your Consideration- Django Unchained

I want to go ahead and admit something right now. I freaking hated Beasts of the Southern Wild. I didn’t hate it while I was watching it. I kind of sat there in a mild state of shock because it was so different from the film I was expecting it to be. But then afterwards, I saw all of the effusive praise it was getting from virtually everyone and I thought: Did we all watch the same movie? I thought it was overbearing and that everything was so blatantly obvious and that it kept smacking me in the face with the same metaphors over and over again. I got the point in the first five minutes of the movie. After that, I was just kind of bored.

I didn’t like Amour, either. I mean, I can appreciate it as art and all that, but it also made me want to kill myself and I would rather get kicked repeatedly in the face than watch it again. I can think of five or six films off of the top of my head that I would have rather seen nominated in this category than Beasts, Amour, and Les Mis and good God, why wasn’t Skyfall given a nod because it seriously fucking deserved it!

But let’s talk about Argo, which is going to win tonight. Let’s talk about Argo, which is the best picture of the year, equal parts suspenseful and emotional and funny and interesting and well-written and well-acted and I just can’t see there being a person out there that doesn’t get the appeal of this movie. Even so, if Argo wins tonight, it probably won’t be because of any of that, or even because it deserves it. It will be because Ben Affleck didn’t get a directing nomination, for whatever incomprehensible reason. All of the momentum that Argo has gained in the last two months is the direct result of Affleck’s snub. Does that take away from the award’s significance? Maybe, a little. Maybe there are some people out there that think that the only reason Argo will win tonight is because people were justifiably outraged about Affleck’s snub and want to give a giant “fuck you” to the Academy. But the real reason that Argo will and should win tonight is because it was the best picture of last year.

There is definitely something to be said for Lincoln, Silver Linings, Zero Dark, and Pi, but if I had to pick one film that I really really wish would make a major upset, it would have to be Django Unchained.  I’ve kind of given up hope for the general populace recognizing the brilliance of Quentin Tarantino. And given the criticisms of excessive violence in the media following the tragedies at Aurora and Newtown, Django has about as much chance of winning Best Picture tonight as Skyfall. But that doesn’t change the fact that Django is a really, really, really great movie. That its the best movie that Tarantino has made thus far, in a career where every single one of his films has been really, really, really great. It also doesn’t change the fact that Tarantino is a true visionary, who creates his own characters and creates his own worlds for them to inhabit. Sure, they are based on movie archetypes and classic genres like spaghetti Westerns of Kung-Fu. But Tarantino has never told anyone’s story but his own. He’s never sold out and adapted this popular book series or remade that classic movie. And I really wish that more people would recognize his originality.

All Adventurous Women Do.

I have watched the first season of Girls (which is the most annoying television program to Google search ever) roughly five times over the past week and a half. 

(Don't judge me. It's too cold to do anything but stay underneath a blanket and I seem to have adopted some sort of missionary-like quest to force all of my friends to fall in love with this show.) 

Anyway, this has been the story of my life lately. 

Not the whole, "oh my god, my ex-boyfriend is gay!" thing, but definitely the whole "fuck it, fuck everyone, just dance it out," thing. 

And also, Lena Dunham and her constant cupcake consumption.

Fiction: The Space Age.

There was a time, long ago, when the people of the country called the United States of America were obsessed with looking at the sky. It was a time of fierce optimism, when human beings actually believed that they were responsible for the well-being of the planet on which they lived. That they had been given some sort of divine command to discover as much about their universe as they possibly could. It was a time when the most noble of human occupations was that of the Scientist, a person who had dedicated their life to the hopeless task of knowing as much as a person could know and to understanding that which was beyond understanding.

(We know now how impractical science is. All it has truly bestowed upon the human race is the terrible awareness of the fact that intelligence is futile in the wake of instinct. )

In those days, however, they looked to the sky, believing, in their naive way, that it would eventually afford them answers to all of the mysteries of life.

It was during this time that America began to send humans into the indomitable frontiers of outer space. There were some who thought that the stars could be tamed and that the heavens could be contained. Others said that it was mankind’s duty to explore the sky, just as it had been man’s duty to extend the United States from sea to sea. Still others had faith that the planets would contain life forms of higher intelligence, life forms that could teach them how to cope with their most pressing concerns-- war, disease, hunger, death.

They channeled these hopes and dreams in two directions. The first direction was towards a man named Kennedy, a man who rose to power on his youthful idealism and his beautiful method of speaking. The second direction was into the creation of objects known as rocket ships. Space shuttles. It was this grand invention that was going to carry mankind on its adventures into the wild and wonderful future, as well as outer space itself. The space shuttles were the pinnacle of human achievement in the years before the second millennium; the grandest of all of the grand things that they had ever built. And the Scientists were the new pioneers.

It didn’t last. Kennedy was shot and killed by a madman, and Americans watched in horror as their precious shuttles were destroyed, crashed, and burned with the greatest of their helpless heroes inside of them.

The First Space Age ended when the people finally came to realize that exploration was pointless. Human beings could not solve the problems of their own planet. Why bother to infect the rest of the universe with their diseases, regardless of what might be out there?
   
It was the start of the Great Age of Self-Awareness, where the only meaningful adventures were the ones that occurred within the human consciousness. And people stopped looking into the sky, so much so that they never noticed when its colors began to change and the stars stopped appearing at night.